The SECRET! diary of Legolas Greenleaf
by Reasonably crazy
Summary: I read another one but it was pretty dirty. This is what MY version is- Not based on ther version! FOTR section completed! TTT version as soon as I complete the other characters' diaries!
1. Spider Fangirls, Blackmail, and Mal

HOLA! I started this out of random boredom when I couldn't get to sleep. So yeah. Um, if you have nothing nice to say, shout at me in a review and I will laugh at you later. Please understand this is sorta kinda little-bit based on the book, but I've stretched a few things. My main reason for this was the popular other version of the Fellowship's diaries are kinda twisted and gross. So this is MY version. I might do other members, but who really knows. Yay insomnia.  
  
Rated: PG  
  
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The SECRET!!!!! Diary of Legolas Greenleaf.  
  
Entry 1  
  
Received summons to some meeting in Rivendell. Note stressed that subject was of the utmost importance. Used that as leverage to get Father to allow me to go. I fear that if I spend much more time in Mirkwood subjects will have one cracked (but pretty!) Elven prince on their hands, and nobody wants that.  
  
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Entry 2  
  
Have left for Rivendell with some other important Elf people- few of whom I know the names of. Despite the fact that this journey was supposed to be secret, we (okay, I) was followed by a horde of Elven Fangirls, and even a few gross giant spider Fangirls. Very disturbing.  
  
Nearly out of Mirkwood- we've stopped to make camp. The greedy eyes of the Fangirls and of the Giant Spider Fangirls are gleaming from the circle of darkness around us. Very creepy. Excuse me as I go hide in my bedroll.  
  
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Entry 3  
  
Was kidnapped by an unusually persistent Fangirl of the oversized arachnid division. Was shown off, bragged over, and generally abused for several hours before being rescued by those traveling with me. Have discovered that I have developed a rather strong arachnophobia due to the incident. I fear it may be permanent. Saw a small brown spider and screamed like a girl. Have sworn all with me to secrecy. Now you know why this diary is SECRET!!!!!  
  
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Entry 4  
  
This is several days after the- ahem- "incident." Have become very paranoid- am jumping at small noises and screaming at loud ones, expecting a 12-foot spider or a venomous Fangirl.  
  
A little over ¼ of the way to Rivendell.  
  
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Entry 5  
  
Am much more relaxed now. Am able to keep from screaming at every loud noise and have limited my spider-sighting reactions down to a small squeak. Have been no fangirl sightings since Mirkwood, therefore I have a moderate sense of security.  
  
Am being blackmailed by one of my company. I must comply with his yet-to-be-named demand or have all of the Elves, Men, and even Dwarves know of the "incident." Do not yet know who my blackmailer is.  
  
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Entry 6  
  
Received Blackmailer's demands. I must cut my hair up to my ears or he will tell all of my rather embarrassing... Well, you know. Deliberating which is worse: being ridiculed because of a haircut, or be ridiculed because of my phobia. Decisions, decisions.  
  
Halfway to Rivendell.  
  
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Entry 7  
  
Discovered identity of my blackmailer. I reread the demand note, and he had signed his name at the bottom. Humph. The bad spelling should have given him away immediately. His name is Malanielath, and he prides himself on being prettier than me. He SO is not!! Plus, he has the brain of a dwarf. So THERE.  
  
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Entry 8  
  
Malanielath had an, erm, "unfortunate mishap" today. Somehow, his bedroll was filled with snakes! He screamed so loud and high I feared that my beautiful and delicate elven ears would bleed. A bird in the tree above us was stunned by the unearthly, horrid, and girly sound and the poor creature plummeted to its death.  
  
Ha. I didn't kill any birds with MY scream. I didn't kill the spiders, either. Malanielath shot all the snakes with his bow, and now that the bedroll has been tainted with the snakes' blood he refuses to use it and sleeps on the bare ground instead. So much for 'preserving and valuing life.' And he calls himself an Elf.  
  
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Entry 9  
  
Have stopped receiving blackmail messages.  
  
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Entry 10  
  
Malanielath (and I honestly had absolutely nothing to do with this) fell from his horse, hit a rock, and is now missing a front tooth! Who's prettier now, huh?  
  
He gives us Elves a bad name. What happened to all of HIS Elvish grace? He certainly has a lack of it. He blames that the snakes set him off. Yeah right.  
  
We shall reach Rivendell tomorrow.  
  
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	2. FIGWIT, the Counsil, and beginning the J...

Hey, thanks to all who replied, even those who said they didn't like this. I didn't mean at all to be rude about Cassandra Claire's stories, and certainly not Cassandra Claire herself, and if anyone took it that way, I didn't mean it like that at all! I liked parts her Leggy diary a lot, and I thought some of her ideas were really funny! But it was just a little too slashy for me (okay, A LOT too slashy) so I'm trying to capture humor in the same way without any slash. All my regards to Cassandra!  
  
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Replies to Reviewers!!!!!  
  
*Miss Cotton: Boring? Okay. Bye. Have fun reading INTERESTING fics. Nyeah.  
  
*Magickalstar135: Yay! Happy! Here's more! Thanks for being happy! Hope to see more review from you! *HINT HINT!!!*  
  
*Ghostie: I know that C. Claire's stories are well loved by many, but I am a Christian woman and I find such slash offensive. I'm not trying to rip off Cassie's stories, just trying to make a diary of Legolas. I choose to not have slash in mine.  
  
*Ankhsattva: Thanks for your frankness! I didn't think I had been all that offensive. Looking back, yes, maybe I should have used words other than "twisted" and "gross," but to me, that's what slash IS. I'll keep a mithril vest on though if I get too many people mad. Thanks for being mellow!  
  
*Brazgirl: Glad you like it! Here's more! Come back and I'll, um, be happy and write more. Howzat?  
  
*elfitchick: I'm glad that you like this because of it's lack of slash! Glad you liked my ideas; a lot of them were spur-of-the-moment things. Here's more for ya' also completely slash-free! I might do the rest of the Fellowship, but school's started *whine* So they might take a while.  
  
*Hobbit-eyes: Hey, cool! You're here! Yay! Thanks a lot for reviewing my fic, I feel very special now. More for you!  
  
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Entry 12  
  
More Fangirls today. I swallowed my revulsion and tried to use them as means to foil Elrond's evil plots. I went STRAIGHT UP to a group of Fangirls *applaud me* and handed out free samples of Mirkwood Magic products. I even passed out that really good raspberry scented stuff, and told them it was all I used. That worked- they took it like it was candy. I mean, uh, lembas. What's candy? Anyway, I fooled them- I only use the lavender scented stuff! Bwahaha!  
  
Ahem.  
  
Saw Gandalf talking to a really old midget today. I talked to the midget after Gandalf had left and offered him some Mirkwood Magic Hair Rejuvenizer for Curly hair, but he declined. The poor little man- sucked in by Elrond's ploys.  
  
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Entry 13  
  
Elrond must be really trying to expand his hair-care borders. I saw a human today; his nape was Aragorn. Turn's out he's Isildur's heir- you know, the guy who cut the Super Evil Ring of the Super Evil Dude's hand? Don't know what HE has to do with hair products. Not only does he have no real control over any kingdom (he's supposed to, but he doesn't) he has a hair condition that needs to be washed three times a day or it becomes grimy and gross like magic, poor guy. He can never hop for hair like mine. Note to self: Consider trying to cover that condition with a Mirkwood Magic Shampoo.  
  
Man, if Mirkwood Magic pulled THAT off, Rivendell Hair Care would have NOTHING on us!  
  
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Entry 14  
  
Discovered to day just how far Elrond's trying to go. More men arrived today (Aragorn's hair condition must be common in Humans) and some Dwarves as well! I'm appalled. DWARVES. Maybe I need to hand out more free samples. Honestly, Elrond's going all-out!  
  
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Entry 15  
  
Feel stupid. Very stupid. Very very very stupid.  
  
Was talking with Aragorn today (he's not a bad guy) and he mentioned that Frodo the Midget was better and the Council will meet day after tomorrow to discuss what to do with the Ring of Power.  
  
"The Ring of Power?" I repeated, "Not THE Ring of Power? Sauron's Ring of Power?"  
  
"Yeah," he answered. "Didn't you know about it? FIGWIT was supposed to tell you."  
  
So Elrond isn't trying to take over Mirkwood Magic Hair Agency after all. At least, he's not so straightforward about it yet. I'm still sure he is. He's sneaky.  
  
Am planning to hunt down FIGWIT tomorrow and talk to him about his lapse in memory.  
  
Yes, I am an Elven Idiot.  
  
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Entry 16  
  
Met FIGWIT today. Pardon me as I go hurt something.  
  
Okay, I'm back. I went to find Figgy; started by asking some Elf if she knew where he was. The twit went all starry-eyed and pointed- that made me decide already that I didn't like the little-  
  
FIGWIT, when I found him, was SWARMING with nothing but Fangirls!!! Some of which were ones I had caught lurking outside my door the other night! Pardon me as I go hurt something else.  
  
Ahem. Normally if someone took a Fangirl or two off my hands, I'd be grateful, then I would laugh at them from a safe distance. BUT FIGWIT LIKES THEM!!!! He shows off to them! He FLIRTS!!!  
  
At my appearance, about 1/3 of the Fangirls rushed to my side, 1/3 stayed with Figgy, and 1/3 started towards me then stopped, torn between him and me. Where's the contest? I am WAY prettier than that little-  
  
FIGWIT and his Fangirls glared at me and my Fangirls and those trying to decide, my Fangirls glared at Figgy and his Fangirls and those trying to decide, those trying to looked back an forth between me and him frantically, and I glared at everybody. But mostly at FIGWIT.  
  
Hold on, I need to go hurt something.  
  
Ow. I hurt myself.  
  
I didn't even get to TALK to the fig. He spoke to his little brain-washed followers ("Well, YOU know who's prettier, don't you?") and left. A few of the floaters followed him, a few more came to me, and the rest of the Fangirls trying to decide stood rooted to their spots, looking anxiously after Fig and then back at me.  
  
I don't like Fangirls. They're suffocating, venomous, and they steal locks on my beautiful naturally blonde hair for their shrines. What gets me is that some of these ACTUALLY thought Fig was PRETTIER than ME!!!!  
  
Okay, sure, the guy's prettier than Malanielath, even before Mal lost his tooth, but he's NO comparison to ME!  
  
Excuse me as I go eat my pillow.  
  
BTW: Counsel tomorrow.  
  
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Entry 17  
  
No, I did NOT actually eat my pillow. I did tear it to shreds and did use my teeth when I first started, but stopped using them as soon as I realized that it was stuffed with goose feathers. Ugh.  
  
Met Arwen, Elrond's daughter, on the way to the Counsel. Very pretty. Nice hair, too, even with Rivendell Hair Care product usage. Considered getting to know her better until Aragorn came up and said, "Hey, Legolas! I see you've met my Fiancé!"  
  
Translation: "Hands OFF!!!"  
  
Yup. I understood that. Left quickly.  
  
Went to Council of Elrond. Turned out that Frodo the Midget is actually Frodo the Hobbit and he brought the Ring all the way from the Shire. Elrond went off on an incredibly long and boring talk that could have been three sentences about why the Ring should be destroyed. After much of telling Boromir, a human in a GREAT need of Mirkwood Magic shampoo, to sit down and shut up, we finally got down to arguing about who WOULDN'T take the Ring, because no one seemed to want to.  
  
I, of course, wanted to pipe up right away that I would GLADLY be the one person that the most evil and powerful dude since Melkor was trying to kill, but I first had to wait for everyone else to stop shouting. A Dwarf named Gimli was being especially boorish; he is disgustingly prejudiced towards Elves. Twerp. A SHORT twerp, I might add.  
  
I had gotten to the point where no one was apparently going to stop shouting and I was just about to stand and volunteer, but Frodo the Midg- I mean Hobbit beat me to it. However, he didn't have any idea how to get to Mordor, so that of course meant that he needed people to go with him. Gandalf and Aragorn stood first despite my plan to be the quickest, but I jumped up as soon as Aragorn finished his dramatic sentence. Another incentive to join was I saw FIGWIT, the little- stir uncomfortably, and so it gave me extra pleasure to stand.  
  
Gimli, who had said he would die before he saw the Ring in the hands of an Elf, decided I needed watching and volunteered as well. Boromir- the man is just bad news, stood and joined us too- do we really need to ask why?  
  
Suddenly, another HOBBIT (not midget!) ran in, refusing to leave "Mr. Frodo." Immediately after Elrond gave his consent, two more ran in as well. Elrond's expression was simply priceless.  
  
So tomorrow, Frodo, Gandalf, Aragorn, Gimli, Boromir, and Midgets- HOBBITS 2, 3, and 4 will be off to Mordor.  
  
I really got Figgy mad. By joining the Fellowship, many of his Fangirls were won over to me because of my "bravery." Bravery? Ha! One reason I'm going is to get AWAY from Fangirls. I'm almost guaranteed freedom from them! I fear that the publicity caused at my eventual return, however, will cause my Fangirl issue to double or even triple.  
  
Oh well. I get some time in which NO Fangirls fit in!  
  
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Entry 18  
  
Have left for Mordor. The other Hobbits are named Sam, Merry, and Pippin. Pippin has already come up with a new nickname for me because he claims that Legolas is "too long." It's no longer than Gandalf! Okay, FINE, Legolas has TWO syllables while Gandalf only has two, but Legolas is prettier. Way prettier than "Leggy," or when he's feeling particularly annoying (or Daring), it's "Legs."  
  
I will not kill him I will not kill him I will not kill him I will not kill him... He hopes.  
  
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Entry 19  
  
"Leggy" is catching on with the rest of the Fellowship. I have found myself daydreaming of me carving the little bugger's (Pippins) stomach with a stick. I refuse to call him anything other than 'Midget' of I do speak to him at all.  
  
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Entry 20  
  
Trip rather uneventful so far. Nothing exciting has happened for several days. Everyone except Aragorn and Gandalf now call me Leggy.  
  
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Entry 21  
  
Boromir taught (or tried to, anyway) Merry and Midget to use their daggers- well, swords for them. Boromir accidentally cut Midget's hand (heh heh heh), and then Midget kicked him in the shin. Merry, in loyalty to his friend, tackled Boromir to the ground, and soon it was a whir of midgets and a turtle stuck on it's back. (I mean seriously, that's what Boromir looked like, with that big shield on his back. Rather amusing, really.)  
  
Aragorn sat and watched and laughed at the pathetic wimp (I mean, come on, Boromir, they're just midgets!) (I hope you notice the difference. Pippin is Midget with a capital M, and hobbits in general are midgets with lowercase m's. Just making sure you got that). Eventually, though, Aragorn felt guilty enough of such cruel indulgence that he stood to help Boromir. He got drawn in too, though; Merry and Midget simultaneously (ooh, long word) grabbed Aragorn's ankles and flipped him. The "battle" was quickly ended with two big guys against two little ones.  
  
Through all of this, I was laughing and watching, Frodo and Sam were watching and laughing, Gandalf was doing whatever Gandalf does, and Gimli was whining that no one ever listens to him.  
  
Well, he's right; and with good reason.  
  
Then my super-cool Elven eyes (Which everyone else does NOT have; I win!) Saw something and pointed it out to my dull-eyed companions. Bwaha.  
  
We argued about what it was for a while before Gandalf shouted "SPIES OF SARUMAN" very dramatically, and we all hid. Turned out to be a huge pack of crows; nasty little birdies.  
  
Gandalf stayed in dramatic mode as he announced that the only POSSIBLE way we could go was over the very cold, tall, and snowy mountain. Oh Joy. Could be worse, I suppose. I mean, I could be human *SHUDDER!* and unable to walk on top of the snow. Ha ha!  
  
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	3. Mountain and Moria

Entry 22  
  
Am on mountain. Rather cold, but better off than everyone else! Go me! Ha ha... Puny mortals! I can walk on snow. They can't. Neener.  
  
Saruman's been causing storms and avalanches and stuff; I, with my super-cool, Elven ears, can hear him shouting spells or whatever it is he does. We've stopped to build a fire, as the hobbits can't survive in this weather for much longer. Hm. I ALMOST feel sorry for Midget. Almost. Bwahaha! We're running out of wood, though, so retreat is near. Wimpy humans.  
  
There are three options left: 1) go around mountain on a pass that is almost surely watched and leads us uncomfortably close to Isenguard, 2) go under the mountain through the Mines of Moria (Which is dark and stuffy and UNDER GROUND!!! And there's evil stuff there, too). Or, 3) Go home and sleep. Unfortunately, that one seems to be the most unlikely.  
  
The most likely is probably Moria. Yippee.  
  
PS- Paranoia is upon me, I believe. I could have sworn that I saw two Fangirls following me. Must be the stress...  
  
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Entry 23  
  
Yup. Moria it is. Well, only if Gandalf can figure out how to open the stupid door. Midget's made all sorts of "helpful" suggestions, that is he did until Gandalf threatened to break them in with Midget's head- Even if the doors didn't open he would have peace and quiet to think. Midget shut up. Pity... I would have loved to help Gandalf.  
  
Gandalf is the only one that can ever really get Pippin to shut up. I shudder to think of what would happen if Gandalf fell down some black abyss forever and died in Moria... But that won't happen, of course.  
  
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Entry 24  
  
It's not dark here in Moria. No, dark fails to cover what it is in here. Moria goes way beyond 'dark.' We really shouldn't be in Moria at all; once we came in we found the ground littered with hundreds of skeletons of Dwarves. Apparently there is now a rather large infestation of orcs or goblins or something in here. We started to retreat out of Moria, but some disgusting creature that was like an octopus squared chose that moment to pop up and grab Frodo.  
  
Man, if that little dude hadn't had the Ring, I would've left him. But noooo, everything happens to the stupid Ring bearer. Anyway, we got Frodo back, ran back into Moria for cover, and the bloody octopus thingy collapsed the doors, so we have no other option. Ugh. I have never been so eager to escape a place- except that one time where I was trapped in a room with thousands of Rabid Fangirls. Yeah. I'd rather be here than there. Ugh! I STILL have nightmares about that.  
  
At least here in Moria the opportunity may arise for me to kill something evil. Yay! Maybe at one such time I can maim Midget and frame an orc or something.  
  
And NO! I'm NOT really that cruel! Sheesh...  
  
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Entry 25  
  
We SHOULD be moving on, but noooo. Gandalf had to go and get lost. He says that he's not lost, he simply has "No memory of this place."  
  
He's lost.  
  
Can't bear much more time around Midget. He has discovered that I have a diary- he saw me writing in it now and when we were trying to open the doors- AND there is now absolutely NO ONE in the Fellowship that calls me "Legolas" anymore. Now I am merely "Leggy." I feel so unloved... *sob* I'm especially mad at Aragorn and Gimli- Aragorn 'cuz he was supposed to be my friend, and Gimli because he's gloating over the fact that I'm an elf and he's calling me Leggy. I've dubbed Aragorn "Stridey" (or Stridey-poo, if I'm really brave and adventurous) and Gimli "Potato Boy."  
  
You must admit, Potato Boy is a good name for a Dwarf!  
  
Thought I saw Fangirls again, but how on Middle-Earth did they get in here before the Octopus Squared collapsed the entrance WITHOUT any of us seeing? I dunno. Stupid Paranoia.  
  
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Entry 26  
  
Got to kill things today. Well, for all I know, "today" is still "yesterday." Can't tell in these blasted tunnels.  
  
Gimli found the tomb of his cousin Balin. It was in a large room with only one entrance/exit, and a huge hole in the middle. Can't say much for the Dwarves room design skills.  
  
Gandalf read a depressing passage from the Dwarf History book about how "they" were trapped and there were Drums in the deep. Midget threw a large rock down the hole because he wanted to know how deep it was- could he have possibly made any more noise? Well, I guess he could have thrown down a skeleton of a dead Dwarf and a bucket attached to a chain. Anyway, the noise woke every Orc in Moria.  
  
Smoooooth, Midget.  
  
Before we had time to get out of the room with the convenient one exit, about three dozen orcs and a cave troll barged in, uninvited. Of course, we weren't exactly invited, either. I am so glad that Saruman doesn't have the time or budget to properly train all these orcs in the art of combat. The orcs weren't a problem, but the cave troll was.  
  
It stabbed Frodo before I could get in the killing shot (I win!), but the little dude just so happened to have a coat of Mithril and only had the breath knocked out of him. Really, some people have all the luck.  
  
After the cave troll was dead, we got to run. And run. And then guess what! We ran some more!!! Unfortunately, there were orcs ahead of us too, so we had to STOP running (THANK YOU!) because we were surrounded by a couple thousand orcs. The hobbits looked cornered- oh come on, we could've taken them! Anyway, before we could fight some stupid Balrog came and scared them all away. We could've whipped it, too, but Gandalf made us run again.  
  
Ran all the way to the Bridge of Khazad Dum; everyone got across except Gandalf, who stopped to go against the Balrog in some huge face-off. Gandalf won, I guess, because he made the bridge break and sent the Balrog hurtling into the black abyss, but it might also be called a draw because the Balrog used his flame-whip to yank Gandalf down with him. At that point Frodo let out a huge and overly-dramatic "Noooooooooo!"  
  
Well, we're out of the Mines now, and Aragorn (who's become our unofficially unofficial official leader) is getting us up and moving on, because everyone's collapsed in grief and exhaustion, but "these hills will be swarming with orcs." No DUH.  
  
Am seriously depressed. Now there's no one to keep Midget off me. Great.  
  
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	4. Lorien, Who's Prettier contest, and Rive...

Entry 27  
  
Made it to Lorien. Met up with Haldir; felt very important as I am one of the only two people who can talk to him and all of Galadriel's minions... I mean, um, him and all the other Elves. I was prettier than all of them, too. Sensed that Haldir was slightly jealous.  
  
They all eventually decided to make us spend a night in a tree house before taking us to Lothlorien and Galadriel, the Lady of the Golden Wood. She's supposed to be pretty. Ha! As if! We'll see who's prettier.  
  
An orc party passed beneath us in the dark. Haldir led a group off to go and kill them; I wanted to go too, but Aragorn and Haldir said no. Even though I'm prettier than them AND I'm a prince, I have less authority. Have planned to spend the rest of the night sulking.  
  
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Entry 28  
  
We are on our way to Lothlorien. Haldir demanded that Gimli, as he is a Dwarf, be blindfolded, but Gimli raised such a fuss that Aragorn cracked and said that we ALL would be blindfolded. Am now in a deep, deep, serious sulk. I'M an Elf! This is an Elven land!! Why am *I* blindfolded? Huh?  
  
Seriously not happy. I'm going to call Aragorn and Gimli Stridey-Poo and Potato Boy in front of Galadriel just for that. I don't care what they do to me.  
  
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Entry 29  
  
We went before Galadriel today. She started toying cruelly with us; well, I'm pretty sure that it's "us," But I know for sure about me.  
  
I must grudgingly admit that I admire her ability to multi- task. She spoke out loud about how tired we must be and how Gandalf had fallen into Shadow and how sad we are, and something about the Fellowship and some form of sharp pointy object... Was I SUPPOSED to pay attention? Oops. Anyway, her eyes kept shifting around to each of us in turn until they finally came to me. I started hearing voices, and for a scary moment there, I questioned my sanity. I decided that I didn't really need sanity as long as I kept my looks, but it turned out that I had indeed kept my sanity, so it didn't matter anyway.  
  
I first was impressed in spite of myself when I realized that she was not only speaking out loud, but telepathically (Long Word!) as well. I was NOT so impressed, however, with what she had to say.  
  
"Greetings, Legolas Greenleaf of Mirkwood... Oh, I'm sorry! It's Leggy, isn't it?"  
  
Ooh, the woman plays hard.  
  
"Hmm, you seem to think that you are prettier than me. Well, my cousin Wood Elf, as even a blind Hobbit could tell, that is quite laughable! There is no way you can EVER be prettier than me. I am far prettier, and I am several thousand years your senior! And even Mr. Frodo has much prettier blue eyes than you."  
  
I am quite proud of myself for not having shouted anything.  
  
"Now as for your future... Yes I see Piracy, and later a woman named.... Helen? Beautiful girl, you'll meet her in Troy... Oh, and for this movie! Fangirls! Lots of rabid, venomous, killer/stalker Fangirls."  
  
How can she pull off such a perfect mental evil laugh? If only looks could kill... She'd be a smoking pile of Elven ashes on the floor. Course, if looks really could kill, I probably would be dead a few hundred years past- I've met a few impressive glare-ers. Anyway, the odds of her being prettier than me are about the same as Midget having a good idea.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Entry 30  
  
I, in all my cool Elven-ness, got to go hang out with the other elves. Many of the Lorien Elves were saddened at Gandalf's death; apparently Midget isn't the only annoying leech his pinned down.  
  
We spent a long time discussing the many annoying people/things Gandalf had squished, but we eventually wandered off topic: To a "Who's the Prettiest" contest. The contest got all the way down between Galadriel and me. Galadriel kept pointing out the fact that she's a girl and supposed to be pretty, while I'm a boy and should be buff and manly and handsome. The Lorien Elves agreed that it was a valid point, but that I was still pretty nonetheless. I'm not sure whether to be pleased or put-out.  
  
After few agonizing hours of a beauty pageant- Galadriel performing womanly positions while I posed with my bow and arrow, the Lorien Elves could do nothing but call a draw. A DRAW! Can you believe that? You'd think they were blind or something. My prettiness outshines Galadriel's by FAR. Anyway, neither Galadriel nor I would stand for a draw, so we agreed on three different competitions: a staring contest, an arm wrestling match, and a song making contest.  
  
All draws. Can you believe it? For some 4000 year old chick, she's pretty strong. Our arms stayed in one position for an hour and a half before she sneezed and we both recoiled away from each other. For the staring contest, neither of us blinked for 45 minutes... Then I sneezed and we both blinked simultaneously. What is it with the sneezing? And as for the song-making... Well, turns out we both suck at that.  
  
When I returned to the Fellowship, everyone thought my dejection was due to Gandalf's death, not because the Lorien Elves are too thick to see that I'm prettier than their beloved Queen. Why are they still grieving? It was a few days ago, for Pete's sake. Get over it! Anyway, they all wanted to know what they had said about Gandalf. As we had done nothing except talk about all the leeches he's pinned and as Midget was within earshot, I just said I was too sad to talk about it and left it at that.  
  
They didn't (AND DON'T) need to know about the "Who's the Prettiest" contest. Or that I suck at song making.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Entry 31  
  
Left Lothlorien today. Before we went Galadriel gave each of us a parting gift. I got a pretty bow and a bunch of arrows. Stuck to the point of one of the arrows was a note.  
  
"Sorry, LEGGY... We all still know that I'm the prettiest- always will be."  
  
Evil wench.  
  
Still, she gave us some supplies. Gimli, being the idiot dwarf that he is, lived another moment in typical Dwarven slowness and took Lembas, a delightful Elvish way bread for long journeys, for cram, a disgusting human traveling food of MUCH lower quality.  
  
Jerk.  
  
Gimli especially bothered me as we rowed down the River Anduin. He kept going on and on about how he would never say anything was fair unless it was Galadriel. What is wrong with this bearded nut???  
  
I'M PRETTIER!!!!  
  
Of course, if Gimli started calling me "fair" or "pretty" I'd shoot him with a poisoned arrow.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Entry 33  
  
Have stopped for camp. Can tell that there's Uruk-Hai on the East Bank. A Nazgul on some trippy flying thingy came at it, but I killed it with my pretty new bow, and the arrow that Galadriel had stuck that note to. Didn't bother to remove the note. Now Galadriel's oh-so-perfect hand writing is covered in trippy flying thingy blood. HA! TAKE THAT!  
  
Anyway, I killed the evil trippy flying thingy (I win!). Saw Gollum floating down the river, trying to hide behind a log as he drifted along. Oh, come ON! Who does he think he's kidding?  
  
"You can't see me! I've got a LOG!"  
  
Honestly. That ring really DID screw up his mind.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Entry 33- for REAL  
  
Discovered today that I can't count. Heh heh...  
  
Somehow I got stuck in the boat with Gimli again. He went off on another spiel about the beauty of Galadriel (He's WHIPPED, I tell you!) so I told him to shut up and called him Potato Boy. He HATES that, especially since he was asking for his gift from Galadriel. He was stuttering, so I said "Spit it out, Potato Boy," and Galadriel began laughing. Bwahahahaha.  
  
Anyway, he got really mad at me when I told him to shut up and he threatened to cut my hair or something, so I said I'd shave his beard, and things escalated from there. I finally started rocking the boat, and as Gimli HATES water (he can't swim well because of his build) he calmed. Half an hour later, though, we'd started all over again, until Aragorn finally came and split us up. And guess who he landed me with. Yup. Midget, who can't row, so I had to do all the rowing. I think Stridey stuck Gimli with Boromir or something; I don't really care.  
  
Spent the rest of the day with Midget. I had the insane urge to capsize the boat so Midget would drown and stop chattering (and calling me Leggy). I didn't; I'm so proud of me! Instead, I started beating myself fiercely about the head with the paddle until Midget, who looked very frightened indeed, snatched it away and made a valiant attempt to row himself.  
  
Swiped back paddle after he almost crashed us, but was unable to steer straight for several hours.  
  
Ow. My head still hurts.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 


	5. Am I psychic? and We're off to save the ...

Entry 34- really!  
  
We've made camp again. We can't go much farther on the Anduin River... Don't see why not- the waterfall's probably only a few thousand feet! And the rocks at the bottom can't be TOO sharp and pointy.  
  
Oh well. What Aragorn says, goes, which I think is unfair. I'M the prettiest! I'M the one with cool extra-sensory Elven-ness! For example: I predict that... Boromir will try to take the Ring from Frodo, and a horde of Uruk-Hai will attack, and that Frodo and Sam will run off together to destroy the Ring themselves, and Merry and Midget will get kidnapped by Ring-thirsty Uruk-Hai and that Boromir will die while trying to protect Merry and Midget.  
  
Hahahahaha!!! That's a laugh! I almost had myself going there! Hoo boy.  
  
Hey, where's Boromir? And Frodo?  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Entry 35  
  
I've REALLY got to double-check my scores on that psychic-test I had; Boromir's dead (boy is he ever), Merry and Midget were carried off by ugly Uruk-Hai, and Boromir did, apparently, try to take the Ring. Frodo and Sam ran off- they took a boat to the Eastern Bank to avoid the ugly beast. (No, NOT Aragorn! Uruks! Sheeze...)  
  
Aragorn says we have to go save Merry and Midget and leave Frodo and Sam to go their own separate way. YEEESSS, Master. Control freak, that's what he is. You'd think that he would've jumped at his chance to be king.  
  
Kinda feel guilty about Midget, and sorry for him, too. Yeah, he is one of the most annoying people (midgets) on Middle Earth, but he DID keep me from marring my beauty the other day with that oar. And I wouldn't wish being captured by Uruk-Hai on ANYONE. Except maybe FIGWIT. Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha...  
  
*Cough.* Ahem.  
  
Well, weeeee're OFF to save the midgets! The annoying midgets of the Shire...  
  
I TOLD you I wasn't very good at song making.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
~*Well, this is it for Leggy's diary, at least for Fellowship of the Ring. I'll probably do The Two Towers after I do the rest of the Company's diaries for this book-movie- thing. Hope you enjoyed it- Aragorn's up soon, or so I plan! Keep an eye out! It will be titled "The SECRET!!!!! Diary of Aragorn/Strider/Elessar/...Oh, never mind." Or so I plan. So yeah! Feel free to check out my other fics *hint, HINT* in the meantime!*~  
  
~Jackie  
  
PS- Sorry that this last bit was so short! 


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